Five places we should give Israel instead of Palestine

The solution to this sticky situation has arrived and it's maybe a WWII-era defensive fortress.

I like ethnostates about as much as all of you, which I hope is that you don’t like them at all, but Netanyahu’s recent visit to Congress suggests that the endeavour to put an end to all of this is going to involve a years long destructive tantrum from Israel which could maybe even begin World War III. So maybe we could save a lot of time and simply give baby his bottle. I, with my incredible analytic skill when it comes to world issues, have devised a fool-proof answer to the problem that I’m sure plenty of sardonic dipshits have already written about, but which I will do a better job at.

If we absolutely positively must have an Israel, where could it go instead of Palestine? Here are my five suggestions.

1. Wales

Never in history has there been a race of people more desperate to identify with their colonizers than the Welsh. Wales doesn't even have a representation on the flag of the United Kingdom. Scotland does. Fucking Ireland does, and most of that country isn't even in the UK anymore, and half the people in the part that still is are such weebs for England that they probably wouldn't even notice if the Cross of Saint Patrick went missing from the flag in the first place, and the other half don’t want it there in the first place. It would be enormously easy to slap a dragon on that flag, and it'd be cool as shit too, but they don't and they won't and the Welsh mostly shut up about it. At this rate Gibraltar and the British Antarctic Territories will probably get incorporated on the flag first.

They're the only nation in the British Isles that I expect would actually vote to get rid of their independent devolved parliament in order to have more direct English rule. They only seemed to have gotten the Senned in the first place as a consequence of England trying to shut Scotland up and deciding to begrudgingly give all of its children treats instead of just one of them to avoid any potential fuss. The Welsh for their part likely only voted for it to avoid disappointing their parents by rejecting their gracious gift, especially considering they once voted overwhelmingly (about 80%) and not even that long ago to not have more say over their own matters. Cuck Nation.

Any slight pissing of independence seems to go away the second a Labour government sits on the horizon, suggesting this is just the same sort of pathetic tantrums Alberta pulls whenever there's a Liberal in power. They were very mad about Brexit probably because they crave even more authorities telling them what to do than usual.

Gerald of Wales spent his entire book on the ethnography of Ireland for the king complaining about how inferior the Irish are to the English—my brother in Christ, YOU are fucking Celtic! Those are YOUR cousins you're shitting on! To make the matter worse, most of his complaints seem to center on the fact that they Know How to Have a Good Time and keep dunking on him for being an insipid little nerd.

The Welsh would happily accept Israeli rule so long as you tell them that Israel was an Englishman's idea, which, of course, it was. Plus it’s just about the only option where changing the place names to Hebrew would actually make things easier to pronounce.

2. Belgium

The most obvious contender, Belgium gets bandied about in this discussion a lot (especially by Jay) because it is of course a country made out of whole cloth that exists entirely so that something can sit between France and Germany to keep them from strangling each other, like when you put the baby's car seat between the two older children that hate each other. That car seat could belong to Israel! It even has a river, a sea, AND a plateau and a valley! The Israelis always like to talk about how they “made the desert green” which implies that they don't much like desert in the first place, and Belgium has none of that. It’s all green, baby. Except for when it’s being shelled into oblivion by its neighbours.

The problem of course is Belgium's revolutionary history. The Belgians believe (erroneously) that they won their independence through fighting for it in 1831, rather than just having the rest of Europe hand it to them for their own convenience. But there’s an easy solution to all of that. Sending the Gazans into Egypt and the West Bank Palestinians into Jordan is obviously wrong, but sending the Walloons into France and the Flemish into the Netherlands is just so obviously right. Plus, Belgium's whole neutrality angle would be much more effective if armed with the Samson Option, because nobody in Europe wants to be the setting for Fallout 5. Israel could conduct the Concert of Europe and hopefully keep rabidly antisemitic countries like Poland from turning their own Jews into pierogi filling.

It would be weird to have the seat of European power in Israel because it would now contain Brussels (which would now be some stupid Hebrew name that you can only pronounce while gargling mouthwash), but the European Union probably won't exist in five years anyway. Also the March of the Living would become a much shorter walk. These guys wrote a whole book of the Bible about how much walking fucking blows, and who can blame them?

3. Sealand

It would be pretty cool if the Israelis could move here and start a torrenting website. Maybe they could bring back what.cd. It would be a little cramped, but it has one thing that Israel doesn't presently have, which is a gun that takes up a disproportionate portion of the prospective nation itself. Think about it, they'd love that, it would greatly fulfill their overcompensation thing about being perceived internationally as a race of nebbish dweebs. Someone could start a kibbutz in a little dingy tied to the side. They’d have to spend a bit of time scrubbing off the word “SEALAND” which appears to be painted onto every single surface, as if the micronation’s denizens think sovereignty is determined in the same manner as laying claim to your leftovers in the office fridge.

4. Portugal

Historically this would have been wrong, but Portugal is already becoming Israel for Silicon Valley dipshits, so why not just speed it up and send their Israeli counterparts over since they'd all probably wind up moving there eventually anyway? Think of all the terrible failed startups those two communities could make together if they were finally in closer geographic proximity! The absolute worst apps you’ve ever seen. An AI-powered period tracker that makes NFTs out of your menstrual blood. And they could elect Steve Wozniak as President, a man of both worlds. I’d love that for him. Otherwise the Israelis could just ethnically-cleanse the Siliconners instead, and honestly I don’t think anyone would complain if they did.

Portuguese people can't afford to live there anymore anyway, so they'd effectively displace themselves into being the migrant servile class that the European Union wants them to be anyway, and you wouldn't even have to get your hands dirty. A lot of the remaining rich Portuguese people are ultimately still descended from Arabs, which could stoke tensions, but hey, so are half of the Israelis.

5. Swabia

The Germans spend most of their time on the world stage pretending to be sorry for the Holocaust while letting Nazis run the place. Take advantage of the bluff. Give the Israelis Swabia. Germany owes the world that. The Germans themselves already moved half the Swabians to Hungary ages ago, they could easily just do it again with the rest of them. This would also create yet another barrier between Germany and France for when their fake friendship inevitably falls apart, only on the plus side this time they'd probably refrain from accusing Jews of stealing military secrets. You could even try for Alsace-Lorraine and settle that bullshit once and for all.

You know, France, Germany, and Britain have such a funny relationship. Britain seems to think that France is its grand historical enemy whereas for France its absolutely Germany and vice versa. It’s sort of like the Leafs vs. the Habs and the Bruins. Lotharingia would be the Nordiques in this situation, or maybe Burgundy would be, I don't know.