Run Club
AKA 'Chuck Palalachniuk's Fight Club 2,' by Jonathan
Discordia does not, it turns out, hate everything. Every other week, we share a piece of work from an artist who's earned our respect.
There is art that moves us, and there is art that moves with us. This is Fellow Travellers.
This week, we have a special message from the mononymous Jonathan:
“Hey everyone, it’s Jonathan! I wanted to surprise you all with a Christmas gift. It’s the sequel to award-winning Ukrainian author Chuck Palalachniuk’s smash hit 1996 novel that inspired the legendary classic 1999 movie starring Edward Pitt and Brad Norton. It features the inspiring Christmas lesson of always following your dreams, being yourself, facing your problems and never losing sight of what’s important in life. I hope that you enjoy the story and I wish you and your entire family a magical and enchanted holiday season!”
Run Club
Mike Sugarbush had just been officially declared the richest man in the world.
Mike Sugarbush was an American born founder and entrepreneur. He had gone to the greatest school in the world and while he was in school he had invented a world-famous website called WouldBang. Mike was inspired to make WouldBang while he was out on a beer run and him and his buddies were pointing at women and deciding if they would or wouldn’t have sexual intercourse with them. It was a beer run that would permanently alter the course of human culture and history forever and not in a good way at all.
Originally, on WouldBang users were shown a picture of a female freshman and they would select one of two options: “WouldBang” or “Wouldn’tBang”. There was a leaderboard and all that shit. Soon after, WouldBang went on to become the most popular website in the world. People would make profiles for their friends and send them WouldBang requests if they wanted to screw. You could even send WouldBang requests to your grandma! Mike Sugarbush dropped out of the greatest school in the world to fulfill his dreams of turning WouldBang into a website that would take over absolutely every conceivable function of society.
For poor people who couldn’t afford a mobile plan with calling and texting WouldBang was their only means of communication because it allowed them to send messages and make video and voice calls and drug deals. Mike was in talks with Congress to allow people to make payments and even file their taxes on WouldBang.
Sugarbush had acquired a popular photography site and turned it into an e-commerce platform with very few physical products sold. It was mostly just bullshit and lies and courses on how to improve your semen consistency, beauty grease and stuff like that. Then he bought some other generic website that was really popular in oppressed third world countries for some reason and it made him an even bigger pile of money.
Mike also operated an illegal Waldorf school in his house in the Calabasas where he taught his children and the neighbourhood kids a bunch of made up hooey. In whatever spare time he had as a trillionaire tech mogul he enjoyed surfing (even though he wasn’t very good at it and didn’t have the proper permits). While surfing he would put on a high tech waterproof visor helmet then let him do video calls with friends and family and surf the web inside of his own made up virtual universe with his own personal satellite internet.
All of Mike’s rich neighbours hated him and thought he was a total cunt with his illegal Waldorf school and douchey helmet. They constantly called the cops on him for unlicensed surfing and setting up a school in a residential district. Calling the cops was all rich people ever knew how to do but every time the cops would drive there from LA they would realize that Mike Sugarbush was in fact the richest man in the world and there was absolutely nothing they could do so they would just shrug their shoulders and go back to their regularly scheduled life of being gang members.
Mike’s neighbours were furious, so one day they devised a plan to teach him a lesson and put a stop to his bad behaviour. To do so they enlisted the help of a cultural folk hero named Tyler Durdin, who was like the White Amerikkkan equivalent of Wukong. Tyler Durdin agreed to help them, but in order to carry out the mission, he said that he would have to do it in Joker energy. This meant that all bets were off and anything could happen. Mike’s neighbours were nervous but they agreed to it because they were all collectively sick of Mike’s shit.
One day while he was out surfing, Mike’s helmet visor started broadcasting a strange message.
“I am Jack’s Dopamine Rewards System,” it said.
“What the fuck?!” sputtered Mike in the middle of the ocean. His entire made up virtual universe suddenly went black.
“I am Jack’s 24-hour hormone cycle.”
“AAAHHH?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” ejaculated Mike again. He ripped off his visor.
He saw there was a man standing in front of him on a raft in the middle of the ocean and it was none other than the 1990s counterculture hero Tyler Durdin, but now he was WRINKLY and OLD and his once magnificent CUM GUTTERS (also known to the yaoi fandom community as “Penis Bones”) had turned into a flabby potbelly while the rest of him was still skinny and his once firm supple body had become loose—he basically looked like Brad Pitt if he had had absolutely no work done or one of those homeless dudes who does kung fu in the park with no shirt in the summer and he was dressed up as The Joker, specifically, the Roger Noland Dark Knight Heath Ledger Joker (but with green dreadlocks). It was clear that Tyler Durdin had let himself go, but he still had that light behind his eyes and that was the important thing.
Tyler Durdin, a.k.a. The Joker tilted his head and looked at Mike like he was Rob Zombie in “Dragula.”
“Whoa!” said Mike, “it’s Tyler Durdin!”
“That’s right, Mike.” said Tyler Durdin as The Joker. “I hacked your stupid helmet. Even your neighbours are sick of your shit. Because the law is powerless against you they have entrusted me to lay down the punishment upon you. But first, the judgement.”
Tyler Durdin tilted his head to the other side and stared at Mike Sugarbush until you could see the white below his eyes. This time he was like Violent Jay and Shaggy 2 Dope in their hit video “Hall of Illusions.” His Wicked Clown energy was overpowering.
“You want to be in a community? Guess what? Community is a fascist myth we use to sell you advertising. You want to be in a community because you think there’s no such thing as society, well guess what, Mike, actually: WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY.”
Then Tyler Durdin pulled out a roach and started s-s-s-smoking. Shit was about to get real and nobody could stop it. After Tyler Durdin smoked pot and got high he proceeded to do an epic Anime villain speech like he was in that wild bitch Anne Rand’s smash hit novel Atlas Sucked and it was clear that this time he would not be exploring themes like “masculinity,” (because that was so fucking gay and gender in general as a topic has been like super done to death to the point where even the biggest blue haired SJWs are like ‘Boring! Over it! Let’s talk about something else’).
Tyler Durdin did that thing where he touched his fingers together and put them in front of his nose.
“Yeah, I bet you remember me from the movie Fight Club, huh?” Tyler Durdin said. “You remember the ‘90s, huh? Peak of society. No goals. Nothing to attain. No real social problems. You remember Brad Pitt? He was a real Cocky fucker! A real cocky fucker with nothing to fucking sell. He had like ZERO insecurities. It was Goddamn bliss. But, the thing is for me it’s no longer like that.
“That or like, The Matrix too, we had it so good our minds could wander to places like ‘dude what if we live in a simulation’ instead of ‘Oooooh, nooo, if I don’t make as much cash as possible I will wind up dying in a gutter.’Boy, we sure got to think about fun shit. Now? We don’t have that. Now? We don’t have Fight Club. Now we have RUN CLUB. It’s because people don’t FIGHT their problems anymore. They RUN from them. Desperate hustling, trying to fucking conceal your insecurities and your immense cock shame.
“Now everyone wants their body to be a high performance machine. They want to be people who fuck. They want to fuck like dogs and breed like rabbits. And the girls! They want to have a uterus like a clown car—a uterus like a puppy mill. And the boys! They wanna beat that shit up like Michael Vick.
“Like, now kids were a thing like guns, you know, an EXPENSIVE, HIGH STATUS SIGNALLING ITEM. Anyone who has kids either has like, one of them that they hid away somewhere, or like a fucking million that they display shamelessly. And they all want a Mexican or an Indian woman to biologically birth them because these creatures don’t want to have a seeping running cervix for the rest of their life. It’s so fucked up bro.
“And you know what Mike? These people all let their kids play with knives and fire and record it and sometimes they all give birth all out in the Wilderness and shit. Because if the kids die they don’t have to actually be around and take care of them. They just get to say they had X number of kids without having to go through the trouble of actually having X number of kids and if they do, they just have some nanny to raise them for them who has to hit them with a shoe while they get to do all the ‘gentle parenting’ and record it on video, so the end result is that those kids will be trained like a white dog to hate brown people forever. Shit is, like, beyond fucked up, Mike. I don’t even know how to describe how fucked up it is and the thing is you made it this way. You just make people do crazy and insane and really fucked up shit and you don’t see the problem with it.”
Tyler Durdin a.k.a. The Joker shook his head and sighed.
“Their lives are not some drunk clownhouse shitshow where it’s like ‘GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE’ because they have to stay around and ‘do the work’ to ‘heal’ and fix their relationship because it’s about establishing a fucking bloodline line like they’re a fucking vampire clan. Okay. It’s the weirdest shit ever. They could be out there just kicking it, enjoying life, getting high, watching movies, running around at night, drawing on stuff, playing karate, borrowing stuff, saying goofy shit and making their friends laugh but instead they have like ... goals and whatever. It’s fucking weird as hell man. They actually enjoy work and shit. What kind of a fucked up masochist do you have to be to enjoy your job? A fulfilling career? Like a whole lifetime of that? Seriously with this shit? Okay, like, I can see some kinky sex where you drip hot wax on each other like one ever time, but like, this is beyond gimp suit shit, this is like a legitimate psychiatric disorder.”
“Damn That’s Crazy!” said Mike, absolutely fucking terrified.
Tyler Durdin threw away his roach and continued. “Like dude, reality check, your physical body just rots, your kids (that you absolutely have to have) are either gonna hate you or you’re gonna hate them—either way at this point they’re gonna be some kind of absolutely different species. I know like, one or two cool zoomers and they’re just absolute wastoids. What if your kid is a gooner or a Chris-Chan or like some fucking Satan spawn fucking chuckiedoll? Like what if they survive and you can’t kill them by making them do dangerous stuff or drown them in the bathroom and all they want to do is game or switch up their genders.
“They believe all that bullshit on the internet or whatever. Tibetan Salt Lamps and everything. They are a crash out waiting to happen. Someday, some little things that would not even register to a normal person will drive them absolutely fucking insane. Interacting with them will turn you into a fucking deer in the headlights. They need everything to be intentionally crafted or some new bullshit they heard on the internet or some podcast last week. These bastards are absolutely terrifying. There’s like an eagerness in their eyes. You can tell they haven’t been fucked by life yet.
“They always seem to be sweating and greasy, always. Their hair especially, it’s really greasy, almost like a white person Jheri curl but with the sides short. The clothes they wear cover them like a second skin. They’re rocking a wifebeater or a cameltoe or yogapants or something. No shame! It’s all like cheap shit that they spent a lot of money on. It’s really disturbing. If there’s one word for these people, it’s that they’re fucking slimy. They’re slimy because they use every beauty grease they get served up by the ALGORITHM.
“Where is their sense of shame in their bodies? Don’t they know that their physical body just rots? They don’t know that flesh is sin. It’s the source of concupiscence. They want to be closer to god but they take care of their body and it makes no sense because god hates the flesh. Like, they’re pretty much essentially bioengineered by the algorithm. They must be the people who care about Our Democracy? Who else can be. But the truth is, for people like us, it’s not our democracy and it’s never been your democracy. It belongs to a club that if you’re not already a member and if you’re trying to be a member then you’re never going to be a member. That’s the problem Mike, you’re a member, and we’re not.”
Tyler looked off into the horizon. “Magic everywhere in this bitch,” he muttered, and then he kept talking his shit.
“The girls are all like ‘Noooo I don’t want a chopped maaaaan. I don’t waaaant a husband that watches CORN! I don’t want to date a GRAPIST OR A SERIAL UNALIVER! I don’t want a MAAAAAAN WHO LISTENS TO ANDREW TAAAAAAAAAAAATE! I WANT A MAAAAAAAN WHO VOTES FOR A DEMOCRAAAAAAT! I WANT A MAAAAAAAN WHO WOULD VOTE FOR THE LIBERAL PARTY OF CAAANAAADAAA! I DON’T WAAAAANT A NARCISSISSSST! I DON’T WAAAANT A MALE MANIPULAAAATOR,’ and, like, these girls, they all got that face that makes them look like one of those fish you got on the side of the aquarium. Sucking out all the filth from the tank - that’s what they are. I’ll tell you what they’re running from. They’re running from the possibility your children might come out working class. They might turn out all ugly after all that plastic surgery that you got in Türkiye.
“And then the guys are all like ‘I don’t want to be SKINNYFAAAAAAT. I don’t wanna masturbaaaaaaaate! I WANNA FUCK PUSSY! I don’t want to be on Section 8! I don’t waaaaaant to be on welfare! I don’t waaaaaant to send my kids to public schooooool! I waaaant to homeschool. I don’t waaaaant the MICROPLAAAASTICS to give me a microPENIS. I want a new celebrity health scare.’ Ha! I’ll tell you what they’re running from. They’re running from society. They’re running from the economy. They’re desperate to leave their 9 to 5 and make passive income. Shit! They’re just like a cat meowing to be let out of the economy.
“They say ‘Oh, I’m starting Christianity and lifting and nofap next week.’ Honestly, those millennia of learning and martyrdom and shit becoming just another hobby is exactly what they deserve. It’s a more fucked up fate than any kind of anti-religious campaign that Robespierre or Marx or Lenin or Mao could have dreamt up, and you made it happen, Mike, congratulations. Love is a Job and Religion is a Diet. People just actively pray to God for more money. Bro! Sad as fuck scenario.”
Tyler Durdin stopped to look at Mike, then he unsheathed a katana. Mike just stood there like an idiot on his surfboard in his shorts because he had no idea what Tyler Durdin was talking about.
“And it’s all your fault, Mike, you fucker. This is the society you made. You’re just like GEORGE BUSH. You volunteered for a beer run and ended up running the world. Well, FUCK GEORGE BUSH and FUCK YOU MIKE SUGARBUSH. You just turned rich to be rich. This is what you get for having crawled into bed with the Great Satan. I’ll tell you a secret, Mike, after I founded Project Mayham I moved on to bigger and better things, Mike. Me and other dads were tired of our daughters getting pregnant from so-called ‘Netflix and Chill’ dates so we made a new organization called Dads Against Netflix, until we realized that the problem was bigger than just Netflix and there was nothing chill about it so we founded a new organization called ‘Conservative Fathers of America’ until we realized that the problem was even bigger than social media so we realized that we had to rise and rise again until lions became men and so we realized that the real problem was the demon god Baal who was a symbol for how sweaty BAALS cover the earth and drown out all its potential, so we formed a new organization ‘Baal Busters of America’ and now on behalf of the Central Committee of the political organization ‘Baal Busters of America’ I declare to you, Mike Sugarbush, that we need to cut off your BAALS.”
“Noo!” screamed Mike, “Oh Lord! Oh JESUS CHRIST. NOT MY BAAAAAALLS.”
“If you submit and climb on to my raft and let me castrate your balls then the fight is over, but if you don’t—I’ll kill you,” said Tyler Durdin.
“Fuck!” said Mike. He wanted to live but he also wanted to keep his balls. “You can’t do this to me! I’ve read On The Governance of China.”
“Mike, if you want my advice, you’ve had a good run, you’ve managed to knock up some girl like 2 or 3 times and spaff in some wild co-ed cooter back in the day. I think maybe it’s time to pack it in. It’s time to stop thinking with your penis. We just wanted to see posts by our friends and family and silly jokes and funny pictures and now it’s buried in miles and miles of stupid bullshit. You need to face consequences for your actions and it’s clear that the law is of no help.”
“Okay, fine,” sighed Mike.
Tyler Durdin took the razor sharp katana and sliced open Mike Zuckerburg’s scrotum. He did so not violently but with the precision of a surgeon and the love of a mother. Then he pulled out Mike’s testes and put them in a jar of mystery fluid with a splash. He then applied a zipper stitch on Mike’s empty pouch. The whole thing hurt less than expected and Mike was pleasantly surprised by how calm and serene he felt after.
“You’re gonna wanna keep that out of the salt water,” said Tyler Durden.
“T-t-thanks,” said Mike.
As Mike paddled home on his surfboard into the California Sunset with the blood from his emptied out nutsack leaking out into the warm pacific ocean, for the first time in his life Mike experienced inner peace and the world began to heal, just like it did at the end of Douglas Copeland’s hit 1991 novel Generation X.
THE END
According to legend JONATHAN was personally handcrafted by Yakub in a McGill MKultra Lab from a blood mix that was something like 3x Gaddafi 2x George Bush and 2x Charles Manson and was left to be raised by hippies in Guindonville like that one time in DBZ when Goku nutted in Chichi the first time he met her and didn’t even kiss her and left the baby to be raised by a random green dude.
Fortunately, instead of becoming America’s Next Top Incel Shooter like a lot of his peers, Jonathan was totally able to overcome his adversity with diversity and became a White Maoist, eventually rising through the ranks to be elected General Secretary of the Red Guards of Montreal where he led the organization through the blockades and coronavirus plandemic until he was couped by Gonzaloids who wrecked the organization. Now, after this epic top 10 anime betrayal he seeks his literary revenge.
Interested in being a Fellow Traveller? Email your poetry, prose, visual art, etc. to discordia.sucks@gmail.com. We pay (not much), and pieces are collected a few times a year in a small print edition.
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