The worst rap lyrics I sent to friends in 2024
With bars like these, who needs wack MCs?
I routinely ruin perfectly good conversations online by sending my friends groan-inducing bars that occur to me throughout the day. To ring in the new year, I’m sharing the ten most annoying bars I sent to friends in 2024. One of these was in response to a condolences message I was sent after a funeral! Enjoy!
Can’t you see you’re Pagliacci in this sitch? / Clown ‘em, funny-crying like a bitch?1
I’m Charlemagne up in the club, you’re a peon2 / In the bathroom popping K like we’re fucking Korean.
Serve it raw, never cooked, Claude Lévi-Strauss / Spend my cheese on twelve-ounce bottles, Mickey Mouse.
Girl walking ‘round, ass like Infinite Jest / She turn around and let me hit it, damn impressed.
Drop-top smoke pot, hot thot / Murder plot, nearly caught, out damn spot!
Getting pegged in your long johns while I pilfer your silver / Bring you to the kosher deli, you’re chopped liver.
Smoking J after J until I get Lost / You reheat old bars up like Def Frost.
Pynchon her cheeks, hit the V., fatter than Mason & Dixon / Made her Watergate now I’m about to Frost/Dick’s in.
Regret my Stanning like a sorry Ye hoe / Dropping bombs on ‘em like NATO at Sarajevo.
Bitches feastin’ on me like I’m Jan de Witt, I’m cognoscenti / Drinking ‘til jaundiced yellin’ my tankie shit, Yellow Parenti.
Write mantras, go apeshit, get put in Brahmanas / Bananas bananas bananas bananas.
Slandered for my stance on BDS / I must confess / I’ve been up in more Jewish girls’ guts than IBS.
Shoulda won a second ring, fuck off Los Angeles / Melancholic synthesis, lachrymose Vangelis.
Tried to diss me prodigiously but you ran out your roster / Now you say the same shit every month like John Bellamy Foster.3
Technically I first wrote a version of this in a poem in 2016, but I also sent it in a message this year, making it count.
I dunno if this comes across clearly enough in writing, but that’s a pun on “European.” Because… you know.. Charlemagne was the “Father of Europe” but also a king? Unlike a peon? …Get it?
Niche one for my fellow Monthly Review heads out there.
I like the Pagliacci one